“If I Should Die Today”

By Connor Geroux

I do not wish to die, but if I should die today, let it be like this:

If I should die today, I hope it is with a shudder. I hope I get an eye of that great Hereafter, and in that moment of shock and awe at the idea that I could arrive there, my body shakes me out of myself and I walk towards the breeze of Everything Else. 

If I should die today, I hope the water I gave outweighs the wine I drank.

If I should die today, let it be with a whisper. I don’t often contemplate my last words, as I know by the time I am there, I will have forgotten them, but I hope that by that time, I will have figured them out. 

If I should die today, let those who I loved not see only my corpse. Instead, let them touch my icy neck, hold my wrinkled hand, and know the calm I found myself in before it all happened. Let them find comfort in this coldness.

If I should die today, let it not be an “If,” but a “will.” Let my last action be unlike my others: a certain one. And wherever my soul ends up when I shudder out of my skin, let my soul remain there, knowing it did what it could. 

If I should die today, let it not be only me, but all weeds I let fester in the ones I did not have the patience to tend too. Let them wither away and remove their choking grasp around the heart, and let heat return to the body as life is restored to those I sapped it away from. 

If I should die today, let me not be the one to determine whether I should. Let the hands of the one I know everything and nothing about turn my cheek to their face. Let that face nod with a knowing look, and cast me out on their own time. 

If I should die today, let me die. Allow the rain to cover your house. Let the bed stay unmade for a bit. Let the pots and pans pile up. But, at the end of this time, open the windows for sunlight, tuck the sheets in, and let the dishes be used again for dinner around the table. 

And If I should die today, let it not be today. Let it be in the moment the jokes we used to share no longer have a punchline. And in this way, keep me alive in your laughs, your smiles, and your memories. And when you no longer are able to do this, greet me in that hereafter with an inside joke.

This is how I wish it to be, if I should die today.